Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold

I, like many others, awoke this morning sharing the same feelings I had as a young child on Christmas morning. Giddy, and filled with excitement and pride. Pride, not just because we will officially have our first black President come 2009, but pride because of the fact that our country has sent the message that the fear mongering, lies, and slander that has gripped the political processes of the past 8 years will now cease to exist.

My mind then began to wander: "I wonder what John McCain is thinking?" Then I started to feel sorry for him. Then, as it sometimes does, my mind began to wander onto to the extreme.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Kill Bill saga, it is the story of “The Bride”, a pregnant assassin that is brutally beaten, shot in the head, and left for dead, all by her ex-lover and former colleagues. Four years later, she awakens from her coma, seething with revenge, and sets out to make those that have wronged her pay through brute force and retribution. She makes a list, dispatching her newly found enemies one by one, saving the best for last and hence, finally succeeding in killing Bill.

I then thought to myself, what if John McCain had a revenge list? A list for those that had a hand in destroying his latest, and more than likely final chance at fulfilling his dream of becoming President of the United States. Who are the five individuals that would complete this list, and why?

In turn, I bring to you, my vision of John McCain’s attack strategy:

5. George W. Bush- Due to the absolutely incompetent decisions that the eldest son of George H. W. Bush made while serving his two terms, he made it virtually impossible for any other Republican to immediately take over the role of President of the United States of America. His inept ability to understand diplomacy, his dedication to making decisions with his “gut”, and his tendency to spend our country’s money like a crack addict in need of a fix has given him approval ratings lower than those of Richard Nixon. In essence, to be in the same party as him is to automatically have the odds stacked against you. It also doesn’t help if you’ve voted in support of 4 out of 5 of his budgets.

4. Richard S. Fuld Jr.- Richard S. Fuld Jr. is the Chairman and CEO of Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. On September 15, 2008, Lehman Brothers filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. That day has come to be known as “Black Monday” in the world of commerce, and it was the first domino that led to the toppling of the financial services industry. That was also the day that John McCain stated that “the fundamentals of our economy are strong.” This was the beginning of the end of the McCain campaign, and without the utter greed of Richard S. Fuld Jr., the light on John McCain’s out of touch mentality may never have been shed.

3. Gayle Quinnell- You won’t recongnize the name, but you will definitely recognize the wild hair and ill-fitting McCain t-shirt. Gayle Quinnell is the McCain supporter whom at one of McCain’s dubious “town halls”, stood up and claimed that Barack Obama was an “Arab” that essentially couldn’t be trusted. This put McCain in a horrible position. He could stand there and do nothing, giving off the appearance that he sympathized with an ignorant bigot, or he could rip the microphone away, and defend the junior Senator, destroying all the swift boat tactics and "Hussein" utterances which had been utilized to scare voters. Thanks to Gayle Quinnell, John McCain was forced to face his supporters, and tell them that Obama was a “decent” man, and they must be “respectful”, because he “admires Sen. Obama and his accomplishments.” It definitely makes it tough to paint someone as a socialist and a terrorist sympathizer after you’ve already made it clear that you respect and admire them.

2. Tucker Bounds- Tucker Bounds was the spokesman of the McCain campaign. His job was to face the media and articulate the policies and platforms of John McCain, while pleading the case for why McCain was the best choice for the country. Instead, he fumbled around in statements, dodged questions, and gave vague responses. He allowed himself to be bested by various interviewers from CNN, MSNBC, and even Fox News. Fox News?

In an interview with Campbell Brown, he could not qualify the theory that Sarah Palin was equipped to be Commander in Chief if ever the time came. Contessa Brewer chastised him publicly for not being able to define how John McCain would be able to fund the bailout along with the war in Iraq without raising taxes. In an interview with Meghan Kelly on Fox News, he was unresponsive when confronted with the fact that all of Fox’s analysts had concluded that Obama would not raise taxes on the middle class, contradicting the claim that the McCain campaign had made. Bounds was speechless.

When you are a Republican spokesperson, and you freeze up during an interview segment on Fox News, you have literally failed at meeting the basic expectations of your job.

1. Sarah Palin- The governor of Alaska's task was simple. Grab disenfranchised Hillary supporters and energize the Conservative base, which frankly were never true fans of McCain's to begin with. The map was quite clear: give an aggressive acceptance speech at the RNC, reiterate talking points in interviews, and rally a demoralized party. Her failure to complete one of those tasks ultimately lead to her vice-presidential demise.

Sarah Palin's sudden rise and subsequent fall are a perfect example of what happens when you pluck an uniformed politician that prefers personal ambition to integrity, and proceed to place them in front of a global audience.

Palin's ability to make Dan Quayle look like Aristotle directly influenced voters perceptions of John McCain. The beating that she took at the hands of Katie Couric, Charles Gibson, and Tina Fey only added to the brutality of it. In McCain's defense, you think you could have done just a little bit of research, Sarah? Perhaps maybe glancing over the policies of the current administration, or at the very least, reading the Constitution, or a map even?

In the final week of his campaign, Palin offered the coup de grace: a shopping spree at both Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue. The revelation of a diva that manages to rack up a $150,000 bill in luxurious clothing for herself and her family in a 55 day time span was enough to eliminate that "Hockey Mom with Small Town Values" image the campaign had worked so hard to present. McCain was able to handle the pregnant 17 year old daughter, the historically humiliating interviews, and the profound lack of political gravitas, but this, this rendered him powerless.

Fortunately for all of us, we will never know what a McCain/Palin administration will look like, but as their party tears one another to shreds anonymously in the press, and Sarah Palin plots the future of her political career, I am reminded of the last words "The Bride" spoke to her nemesis, Elle Driver, prior to snatching out her eye: "Bitch, you don't have a future."